A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I was having a quarter-life crisis. This is still so very real and true. I’m feeling lost with no idea where to go from here, and on top of that, I’m feeling sad. It’s so hard for me to write about this, which is why I haven’t yet. I’ve always tried to talk about positive things on my blog because, I mean, it’s called Endless Bliss. I love being happy and sharing that happiness with y’all, and when I’m unhappy, it’s hard for me to write about positive things.
A couple months ago, my boyfriend of four and a half years and I broke up. I never thought I’d type those words because when you do anything for that length of time, you think those things will last forever. I’m lucky because Jon is such a great guy, and I’m sure many of you know that we moved in together a little over a year ago. We didn’t break up because of anything dramatic. No one cheated on the other. Our bad habits didn’t get the best of the other. We weren’t fighting all the time. In fact, we barely ever fought at all. We broke up because of everything I wrote about in this post. We broke up because I don’t even know who I am, and I didn’t think it was fair for me to drag him through the mud while I attempt to figure it out.
When it comes to relationships, if you’re going to give yourself to someone, you should know what you’re giving to that person. You can’t really love someone if you don’t love yourself first, and for a few months, I haven’t been loving myself at all. I’ve been so unsatisfied with many things about my life that I wasn’t able to really be in the relationship anymore, and that’s not fair to him. One of my friends told me that in order for a relationship to work, both people have to create their own metaphorical circle. Each person has to fulfill themselves and be happy with themselves and love themselves in order to form their own circle. If you try to live your life and make decisions based on someone else, then both of you will only be half a circle, and that just doesn’t work. So now, I’m trying to form my circle, and I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I want. I’m trying to figure out how to love my life and myself again.
For the past couple of months, I feel like I’ve been on such a rocky road trying to ignore my unhappiness. I’ve been distracting myself with unhealthy things and falling into a depression that I’m slowly trying to crawl my way out of. I focused on other people and their happiness rather than my own. I let other people steal my happiness while I sat alone, crying myself to sleep every night, wondering if I’d ever be satisfied with my life. I stopped writing and reading and lost sight of the things I loved. I got lost in distractions and behaviors that were toxic. I hated what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I hated the person I was becoming, and I started beating myself up and stopped taking care of myself. I plastered a smile on my face when I went to work or saw friends, and I let the sadness build up inside of me in my attempts to ignore my problems rather than face them.
I feel like I’ve put so much pressure on myself to figure out my life, and now I’m feeling more confused than ever, but I know that there are so many wonderful things waiting for me at the end of this road. I recently took a vacation to Chicago with my two best friends, and it was incredible to visit a city I’ve never been to and gain some new perspective. I learned that I am the determinant of my future, and if there’s something or someone in my life that’s making me unhappy, then I need to rid myself of it. I’m not going to let anyone or anything steal my happiness anymore, because I know that I’m worth so much more than that.
For those of you that have been loyal followers of my blog for the past couple years (and even those who are discovering it for the first time), thank you for your support, and I hope that you continue along this journey with me. While my life may not be endless bliss, I know it will be full of blissful moments, and I can’t wait to share them with you.
Also, for those of you wondering, Jon and I are still friends. We’ve been in each other’s lives for almost seven years, and that’s not something you can simply let go of. I’m lucky that he is willing to help me along my journey, and he’s still one of my biggest cheerleaders.
What’s something that brings you happiness?